My take on the events of December 25th, 2009

Much has been said about the attempted act of terrorism on Christmas Day involving a Nigerian yet there still isn’t enough information to answer all the questions I have. I find myself for the first time, interested in hearing the story of a ‘terrorist’. Perhaps because he is someone  I can relate to in some ways. Umar  Farouk Abdulmutallab looks like a person that could have been a classmate or an acquaintance. In other words, it feels like he could have been just another Nigerian guy in the diaspora*. Other people involved in terrorism (Shoe bomber, Richard Reid for example) seemed too distant, and in some sense not real. Whereas here is somebody that I can imagine coming across in my life. Maybe somebody that I might even have liked or admired as he is reported to be smart and to have a kind, polite demeanour. This seems like a lot of potential gone to waste. He was intelligent and apparently passionate enough to do a lot of good in this world if he wanted to.

So I find myself wanting to get inside his head. I want to know what he was thinking when he made the decision to detonate an explosive device on a plane. What on earth convinced him that terror was the route to making an impact? Why Al-Qaeda? Was he egotistical or power hungry? Did he have a saviour complex or was he just misguided? Was he mentally imbalanced? These are all questions that I would like answered.

Another thing this incident highlights is the role money plays in terrorism. I first started thinking about this in relation to the militant groups in the Niger Delta. I am hardly convinced by the veneer of ideology that a lot of groups claim when carrying out such acts. For me, what it boils down to is a battle for power that is driven by cold, hard cash.  See the linked TED talk for more on this topic.

Queen Elizabeth II said it best: ‘Some years are best forgotten’.  For Nigeria, 2009 has turned out to be just such a year. With militancy, religious rioting, a crisis in the banking sector, District 9, the disappearance of the President, the looming constitutional crisis and now a terrorist to top things off, there is little for the country to remember fondly from this year.

 

 

* Yes he was rich but that would not necessarily be the thing about him that stood out if you met him at school for instance.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas! I hope you all have a wonderful day with your friends and families.

And here’s a nice version of one of my favourite christmas songs.

On Friendships and Going Out Alone

I am used to having people whose love, care and concern I am certain of in my life. Lately, I have really struggled with finding satisfying friendships and I am finding that the lack of such close friends has a big effect on my day to day life. I hadn’t realised how much confidence I draw from the security of friends. The ones I have are great but they are too far away and though we try, it can be hard to keep up with time differences and all.

In this area, I am a mass of contradictions (in lots of other areas too but we’ll save that for another day). I crave intimacy, I love to be connected to people but then I also love my space. I don’t really enjoy superficial chatting about nothing. From my perspective, there’s a big distinction between acquaintances i.e. people I know and can hang out with and people that are friends.

I am beginning to think it is true that it becomes more difficult to make friends as you get older though I’m not exactly sure why it should be like this. Perhaps people have already formed their core group of friends or have a more difficult time letting new people into their lives.  Making friends seemed so easy in primary and secondary school; you could meet someone and be best friends with them by the end of the week. These days, I meet people and it is quite clear that we get on but there seems to be a limit to how close the friendship can get.  I sometimes find myself embarrassingly keen to be friends with someone but it’s not cool to be that eager.  I’m sure others have also felt like this about me so it probably goes both ways.

Another thing I have been noticing more frequently is how difficult it is to go out alone. It seems so socially unacceptable. I mean, I’m a complete person and last time I checked I was allowed to go anywhere I felt like. I haven’t come across any rules that mandate you to always be in the company of other people. Neither have I ever seen see any sign on a door that says ‘no unaccompanied persons allowed here’.  Sometimes, you don’t even have other people that you know to go with (people who travel a lot will relate to this). Yet people look at you as if you’ve got something growing out of your head for daring to go someplace on your own so much so that you can start to wonder whether  you don’t belong there. Is there something wrong with me for wanting to enjoy an evening of music at my pleasure? Must I have to round up a bunch of people to go with me for everything I might fancy doing? What if I want to explore activities that don’t necessarily interest my usual crowd?

For the most part, I enjoy the activities I pursue whether alone or in a group but I must say that it feels so much less awkward having other people around. I think this is a huge shame. People shouldn’t have to lock themselves away in a room, not enjoying what is on offer wherever they may be located  just because they don’t happen to have other people to drag along with them. Maybe we need a rent-a-friend service  for times like this*.

The more I encounter this attitude, the more I begin to understand why some people may prefer to stay in a not so great relationship than be alone. At least, you’ll always have someone to go with you to the cinema!

*It turns out such a service is already available in Japan and there are other websites that allow you to find people interested in doing an activity or attending an event with you.

*Some of the things it’s apparently not ok to do on your own: go dancing, go to a concert, go to a non-fast food restaurant and go to the cinema. Did I miss anything out?

Back in time for Christmas

Culturesoup needs a muse and a personal assistant. Heck, i might as well add a chef to the list!  Anyway, it’s good to be back on the blogging scene. Thanks to everyone who visited here while i was on my unplanned break and thanks particularly to SolomonSydelle and Myne Whitman for your messages.

Single Stories and House

Spoiler alert:  this post gives away the end of an episode of House. You might want to stop here if you’re a fan and are not caught up on Season 6.

I’m sure most people have seen Chimamanda Adichie’s TED talk by now. Here’s a link to it, just in case you happen to be the one person who has no idea what I’m referring to. I think the speech is wonderful in its completeness and I wasn’t going to make a post about it because so many other people had done so and I didn’t think I had anything else to add.

However, many things I’ve encountered since then have brought the usefulness of this talk to mind. Anyone who’s read a few posts here would quickly realise that  I love a good story. Maybe that’s why so many of my posts have been about films.  The concept of the single story explains what I find so dissatisfying about most representations of Africa and Africans that I come across. In movies, news and conversations with people both virtual and real, one story about Africans prevails and you cannot tell these people anything different. They seem to think they are absolutely correct in defining Africa by the story they have and if you challenge them you risk being called a liar, accused of being in denial or worse, accused of defending wrong doing.  

I watched a recent episode of House that had me cringing throughout. It featured an ‘African dictator’ who ends up in the care of House’s team. The episode was about the different responses of these doctors to the moral question of how to treat this man who was certain to go back to oppressing people in his country if he survived.

From the first mention of the African dictator, I knew I was going to have a problem with the way the story unfolded. The most obvious one being that the only time House has seen fit to tell a story about Africans, the writers chose the tried and tested dictator story.   Secondly, though there was some suggestion that the story was based on Rwanda  they didn’t even bother to specify which African country it was about*.  Neglecting to name a country suggested to me that the writers didn’t think it mattered; as if the African dictator is a character in his own right such that once he is mentioned,  everyone is supposed to know what they are trying to convey. After all, we all know that ‘Africa’ is in a civil war and there all these horrible dictator people there.

Two of the doctors  seemed to believe that  it was their duty to save the Africans from this dictator.  In the end when Chase kills the man by allowing his colleague to give treatment based on a wrong diagnosis, it seems clear that the fate of the Africans really wasn’t a factor in his decision. He was more motivated by the desire to punish the man for attacking his wife.  Yet when it came time to explain himself, his justification was the benefit of his action to the Africans.

The thing I found most irritating though was how the story actually turned out to be about the doctors themselves. The African  dictator and his victims were all just a background to showcase the moral dilemma these medics  faced as they struggled to do the right thing.  This was what brought  Chimamanda’s point about single stories and power to mind. She talked about the power to determine who speaks and what is said, the power to determine what purpose a story serves, the power to create and maintain stereotypes.  This power was exercised in this story to reduce the lives of the Africans to little more than a tool for testing the ethics and professionalism of House’s team.

Now, we cannot compel the writers of House or any other show to exercise their power in a way that portrays us in a more complete way but fortunately, we can also put our own stories out there.  Whether they will have an audience is a different matter entirely but Chimamanda’s speech reminds me that we will only be able to counter the single story if more of us speak out.  

* This is based on the reference to inyenzi, a term used to describe Tutsis during the genocide. It means cockroaches.

 

PS: I find it difficult to take lists such as the 10 Most beautiful women in the world, most stylish women in the world, most eligible bachelors in the world e.t.c.  seriously at all. Whoever compiles these lists really needs a geography lesson because they seem to think that the world consists of America, Britain, France, Canada, Australia and New Zealand. If they’re feeling very generous they may even go as far as South Africa or a less well known European state. Somehow it seems to escape their notice that they have cut out many continents from their definition of ‘world’. Of course everyone is free to consider whoever they like beautiful.  I just object to them claiming to speak for the world when they do so.

Stuff That Makes You Go WOW!

I witnessed an amusing incident yesterday. I was having an afternoon snack when this woman came to sit near me. She was holding a 16-piece box of Ferrero Rocher chocolates and next thing I knew she had polished off the whole thing. What I found so funny was the way she attacked the box. I mean, she wasn’t even pausing between chocolates; she’d already be unwrapping the next one while chewing.  You know how it can be sometimes, you’re starving and so you tuck into the first few mouthfuls with intensity but then it dies down and you start eating at a normal pace again. Not so for this lady, she just kept going and once I realised that she was going for the whole box I started sneaking glances at her to confirm my suspicion. Yes people, she ate 16 ferrero rochers in less than 10 minutes!

Now anyone who’s eaten Ferrero Rochers knows they are not easy to chew or swallow because of their rich, nutty texture. I don’t really understand how someone could eat 16 of these in quick succession with no break for water. I felt sick watching her but this woman must have had a stomach made of steel.

Once she was done, she packed up the empty wrappers and the box, dumped them in the bin and left as unceremoniously as she arrived, leaving me in awe of her chocolate eating prowess.

When I get older…..they’ll call me freedom

When i get older, i will be stronger

They’ll call me freedom, just like a wavin flag

 

I’ve had this song on repeat for the past few days. I find it very inspiring. I hope you enjoy it as much as i do.

 

Weekend Vibes

I absolutely love this song.  Enjoy!

 

Pass me not

It’s hard not knowing what’s going to happen next when things are apparently perfectly lined up for everyone else around you. I hadn’t heard this song in ages so when I unexpectedly heard it on the radio the other day, it really got to me. The lyrics, particularly the chorus captured everything I was feeling but didn’t know how to put into words.  It was like finding the perfect prayer for right now. So I’m putting this up for anyone  who is also at a challenging moment in their life and needs a prayer to get through.

 

Divorce

I was reading something online recently about marriage and the risk of losing a significant portion of one’s assets in a divorce (particularly for men since they tend to be the higher earners in most marriages). The piece itself was pretty standard but what I found intriguing were the comments that followed. Most of the men who wrote in were complaining about how divorce is a gravy train for women, how they are deterred or are deterring their sons from marrying so they do not lose out to some greedy, scheming woman and about the general unfairness of divorce and family laws to men. The tone of the comments was painting the men as victims of evil women just looking out for some poor guys to sink their hooks into and exploit. Never mind that the guys themselves presumably took an active role in choosing  their ‘gold-digger’ wives.

None of these comments came close to expressing an understanding of one of the underlying reasons for divorce: unfairness to and in far too many cases, abuse of women in marriage. The way I see it, the current state of divorce and family laws has come about as an imperfect response to quite a serious problem. There is no denying the flaws in many family law systems where fathers may have to overcome presumptions in favour of the mother when it comes to disputes over custody and access to the children. There is no denying either just how destructive and painful divorce often is. However, this is the case with many solutions to problems that we created in the first place. I find it curious that in criticising the flaws of the solution, not many people seem to ever really get to discussing the problem itself.

Comments like the ones I referenced above seem to be implying that marriage in the good old days was such a bed of roses for women. If you took them seriously, you’d believe that wives had it so perfect and have now by their capriciousness destroyed the system and life for everybody else. They never seem to remember the incredible sacrifices and difficulties that generations of women endured in the name of marriage. In present day Nigeria, women are still subject to all manner of abuse because they are keeping their marriages together.

Instead of questioning the society which promotes  the idea of marriage meaning that one group of human beings should become and remain dependent on the other, we complain about the almost inevitable results of such a system of values.   It seems only natural to me as a matter of common sense and justice that if you make someone dependent  on you (even if it was done out of good intentions like a desire to take care of them), you don’t get to turn around and complain when the person then has to continue relying on you for support. Should people (in this case men) be able to throw their dependants out on the streets to fend for themselves when the love runs out?  Especially when the overall earning capacity of the woman has been so severely hampered because she has stayed out of paid employment to put her energy into that man and their family. Yet this is exactly what happens to so many women left to look after kids on their own with little contribution, financially or emotionally, from their former husbands. These are the type of issues that the liberalisation of family laws tried to address.

The main point for me in raising this topic is not to assign blame to men for the situation. Rather it is to highlight what I see as an obvious blind spot in discussions about marriages, divorce and families. Encouraging people to form committed marriages and stable families is a matter of responsibility for everyone. It is no good men moaning about being the victims of family laws without taking an honest look at their role in solving the problems that created the need for them in the first place. If society is not going to protect the parties in a marriage voluntarily, the law will have to step in to do so.  Unfortunately, we will not necessarily be better off for it.