I haven’t blogged since November, partly because i’ve been so tied up in real life but also because i kind of lost my mojo. I was so busy being sentimental that i didn’t have the heart to sit and write for this blog.
I’ve had a moment to reflect on everything and i feel i’ve finally put some distance between myself and the events that caused me to be so sentimental. I’ve wept so much the last couple of weeks but now i’m ready to write about how i feel and in particular, to write about him. I finally understood what Alanis Morissette meant with the song lyric about meeting the man of your dreams and then meeting his beautiful wife. Well, he wasn’t married but he might as well have been because he’s just as unavailable.
He never promised me anything, but he didn’t have to because i was ready to give him my heart at the slightest indication from him. But he couldn’t go there, for good reason, and he made that pretty clear too. So despite how i felt, i had to come to the realisation that what this circumstance offered was not enough for me. Much as i am ready to love, i will not give my heart away to someone that is not unequivocal in his feelings about me. He can be as awesome as this Mr is but the fact that he cannot care about me really puts an end to whatever possibility i may have wanted with him. I deserve better than someone who does not really care about me, whatever the reason for that may be. I don’t care how hot he makes me, that is just not good enough for me.
I guess it had to happen sometime and as difficult as i’ve found this experience, it’s also been a learning opportunity for me. It’s very unfortunate that we lack control over who we are attracted to because i would never voluntarily put myself in this position. Catching feelings for someone who cannot reciprocate them is horribly sucky. On the bright side, i’ve learnt that i’m not cut out to be a mistress or the other woman. I’m too needy for that crap.
I think i’m all cried out now so it’s time to dust myself off and move on.