Blast From The Past: Valentine’s Day 2005

Introduction: this is something I wrote back in 2005. At the time, I was the only singleton in a group of friends who had recently gotten involved with new guys. This journal entry describes some of my feelings about the experience particularly the sense of abandonment I felt. I found it again a couple of weeks ago and thought I’d share it this Valentine’s day, a holiday that can be really trying for those left behind in the excitement of a new relationship. I don’t believe I ever said the things I wrote here to the people concerned, at least not to this extent, so it was very interesting for me to read how brutally honest I was in my entry. Fortunately, there was a happy ending for us: we’re still friends today, several guys later.

I hope you enjoy the read. Have you at some time been the friend left behind or have you been the one doing the leaving behind? How did you feel about it? I’d like to read your experiences in the comments.

 

14-02-05

Should you want something just so that you  can be on an equal footing with other people, regardless of whether having it is suitable for you or not?

This is the question I have pondered several times and little things like this evening bring it back to the fore of my mind. You’re doing fine. You really are getting on ok, happily enjoying yourself as you are until with a little act of couple smugness, they just shatter your peaceful calm. Like how they promise, “oh, I’ll see you honey” or “I will definitely call “ but you know that as soon as they’re in the company of their guys, all thoughts of you are forgotten. Or if they remember, it’s like the annoying, obligatory aside that needs to be got out of the way before their real business can begin. So I wonder, is it justified (even a teeny-weeny bit) for me to feel annoyed at constantly coming in second best?

 

Perhaps, I should restructure my life and my time; maybe find myself a new set of friends to hang out with and do stuff with while these people are occupied. Perhaps, I should even find myself a guy just for times like this. But is this really reason enough to want a boyfriend in your life? Would it be fair on the person that the only reason he’s wanted is to keep me occupied? Because that’s the only pressing reason why I might get in a relationship right now. Apart from that, I don’t particularly feel the need for one.

 

Thinking about the first idea more deeply, I doubt that it would work. First, what happens if these new friends also go and get themselves guys? Won’t the same cycle repeat itself again? Also, I don’t want to change my friends. I don’t want new friends. I want the ones I’ve already got. But sadly, I realise that they are part of an exclusive club to which I don’t belong. And don’t they make that painfully obvious? You bet.

 

Am I being incredibly selfish? I don’t know. I can’t even guarantee that I wouldn’t act the same way as them if there was a guy I really liked on the scene. I do know that I haven’t had a personal conversation with either of my friends for so long. I’m afraid I’m losing them, afraid our relationships are dying. Relationships are like plants. If you don’t tend to them, they die. How can I invest in our friendships if I never see them or speak to them? The only times we speak, it becomes more obvious that we’re running out of things to say to each other. It seems like they’re becoming strangers before my very eyes. I can’t just go over and visit because it’s very likely that they won’t be in (gone out with their guys) or that the guys will be present throughout and I’ll end up feeling like I’m an intruder. I can’t call spontaneously for the same reason. We can’t even go shopping together anymore. Wow, I didn’t realise I felt so angry, sad and even resentful about the whole situation.

 

I guess I’m really disappointed because this is coming from people I would never have expected to behave in this way. If I remember correctly, one of the people concerned had a bust-up with our friend for similar behaviour and at the time she said, “I’d never ditch my friend for a guy”. Hmm.

 

As I said earlier, I don’t know what my exact behaviour would be if it were me in their position but I know myself and I know that I’d make a supreme effort to keep up with my friends. Possibly even at the risk of upsetting the guy. Does it mean that I value their friendship more than they value mine? Again, I don’t know the answer to this question.

 

All in all, you can say I’ve had a great Valentine’s Day. At least it was until somebody’s phone call left me feeling this way. I’m going to sleep now and the last thing I can think of to say is that love is so overrated.

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