NB: This piece is based on events that took place months ago. I was trying to formulate a coherent account of how i felt when i wrote it.
Aaah! That’s the huge sigh of relief you hear me giving. Relief? What for? The answer is for the lack of attraction I feel for this person, let’s call him X. It feels so good to think of him, speak to him and be burdened by nothing. True, he has occupied my mind a fair bit in the last few days but it’s not in a stressful way. It is nothing like before where I would replay every word and every scene of our encounters in my mind. This continued for years after I relocated. It was only recently that I stopped dreaming about him. Before that, he would randomly appear in my dreams. As if it wasn’t bad enough that he had occupied my waking thoughts for so long, he also had to dominate my dreams. He really got under my skin and to the depths of my soul in a way that not many people have. Z is the only other guy that got to me in a way that’s remotely close. Actually, I am grateful for Z because he really re-defined attraction for me but that’s by the way.
I fretted over re-connecting with X; I worried that all the progress I had made in this area would come to nought. I was afraid he had a hold over me and that like some kind of magical spell, it would re-establish itself and I wouldn’t have much say over the matter. I’m happy to report that it hasn’t worked out that way. The first day I saw him, I was relaxed and I knew for sure that nothing would happen. Throughout our meeting, I kept waiting for the familiar sparks to start up but I felt nothing. I left that day with a massive smile on my face and I carried on with the rest of my evening as if nothing significant had taken place earlier. The ability to put him out of my mind is a huge thing to me. I’m so pleased at myself, you wouldn’t believe it.
In this new phase of our relations I don’t know what his thoughts or expectations are. I hope they are not different from mine as in, they don’t involve much beyond friendship. I can’t be so presumptuous as to imagine that there are any romantic threads involved here. I’ll deal with any such situations if they come up but for now, I will not bother myself thinking about such hypotheses. In the mean time I am glad to have an old friend around. Of course, we are going to have to navigate all the pitfalls of re-establishing a friendship but I will be grateful to do it without the added complication of ‘chemistry’.
I am also too excited about the prospect of seeing other guys to want to be closely tied to X. I feel like I’m entering another phase of womanhood, one that’s very new to me. I’m becoming comfortable in my own skin and I want to fully experience everything which comes with that. It’s a bad time for X to be back on the scene if he’s looking in my direction for something solid.
That smile you see on my face? It comes from the freedom I feel inside.