This is one is dedicated to one of my favourite ex-bloggers and commenters, Soul. If you’re out there on the internet somewhere, i miss reading you.
This is one is dedicated to one of my favourite ex-bloggers and commenters, Soul. If you’re out there on the internet somewhere, i miss reading you.
Happy Easter!
NB: I started this post a while ago actually but coincidentally, I ended up completing it in the week where there has been plenty of discussion online about domestic violence. This year, I intend to post more about these issues on my blog.
When I was about 14, I was in a discussion with other girls in my senior class and I made a comment that they found shocking. In fact I remember this conversation so well because their reaction is strongly imprinted on my mind. You might be wondering what I said that could so scandalise my peers. Well, I’ll tell you.
The conversation was about the expectation on newly married couples to have children almost exactly 9 months after the wedding. I said that this did not appeal to me, which a lot of others agreed with for different reasons but when I went on to say that I would decide when I was ready to have kids, the universal reaction was one of shock. I still remember one of my classmates saying to me, “what do you mean you will decide? Is it not the man that decides? You have children when he wants you to have children.”
At the time (and I have only grown stronger in this belief), I responded that this made no sense to me. Since the job of actually being pregnant would fall on my shoulders, it was perfectly natural to expect that the decision would be mine also, maybe not exclusively but certainly, not under command from anybody else. I did not know it then, but without much exposure to feminist thinking or literature, I had instinctively recognised the need to exercise my autonomy as a person.
I bring up this story because many years later, it seems that the thinking amongst young Nigerian women on this topic has barely changed from what I observed that day. Last year, on a very popular news and gossip blog (linked below), a woman wrote in asking for advice because the man she is in a relationship with wants children while she does not. It is important to mention here that she already has children from a previous marriage. I note this to point out that this is not a woman unfamiliar with the process of pregnancy and child-raising. You would think that someone who’s already been through it before would know exactly what she’s talking about when she says she does not want more children but you couldn’t have guessed this from reading most of the responses to her question.
With few exceptions, commenters proceeded to scold her for being selfish and not truly loving the man. Some lectured her on the importance of keeping her man happy while others accused her of being wicked. Some even chimed in helpfully that she could just compromise and give him one child as if the story ends at the birth of the child. The questions of child care and the costs in terms of money and attention to be devoted to the child did not come up at all. I could not believe what I was reading.
Apart from the heavy dose of misogyny infecting many of the responses, what really stood out to me is the idea of having children as being something a woman does to make another person happy whether it be her spouse, extended family or society at large. Not only does this fail to consider the capacity of the mother-to-be to raise the child, it does not consider what is best for the child in any way. Children have no control over whether to be born or not, or even how they come into this world. To think that people would encourage others to make such an important decision with great consequences for everyone involved, not because their heart is really in it, but to please someone else is something I find very disturbing.
It is also a big issue because it ties into this idea of women only being valuable because of their ability to produce children and of the right gender too (i.e. boys). It essentially reduces a woman to a womb.
You see the manifestations of this type of thinking in Nigerian society in the way that single women and married women without children are treated. You see it in the hatred that is directed at any woman that dares to suggest that she is content without children. You see it when you listen to the experiences of women who are being harassed in their marriages because they haven’t produced children on demand or have committed the grave sin of only giving birth to girls. And you see it in the desperation that leads many to secretly adopt children that they pass off as their biological offspring as if the fact that those kids did not come from the woman’s birth canal somehow makes their families inferior.
One of my very first posts on this blog focused on this problematic way of thinking about women which treats them as objects, valuable only for how good they are at meeting others’ expectations of them. I will visit my main point in that post again here because I believe it to be a basic truth:
Every human being is valuable as is. A woman’s value does not depend on her marital status, her ability to produce children, her ability to perform domestic duties or her ability to satisfy the expectations of her family/church/society/whatever. A woman, like any other person, is valuable just for the mere fact of being a human being.
People everywhere need to know that women are valuable and worthy of respect just as they are. Girls and women in particular, need to know this as well because too many of us are being raised under the belief that we are less for being female.
In my life, I strongly reject any messages that teach otherwise whatever their origins may be. I think it’s about time for damaging ideas like these to be put to bed for good so I talk about this to whoever will listen, especially to other Nigerians. I think this is very important because the moment a woman fails to recognise her value and the agency she has over her life, there is no need for any outsiders be it a husband, in-laws, neighbours, church folk or society, to enslave and oppress her. The job is already complete in her own mind.
Link:
http://lindaikeji.blogspot.com/2011/07/dear-lib-readers-he-wants-children-i.html
A simply, wonderful song that has brought me much comfort in the last couple of weeks.
For anyone who needs a little encouragement to keep going, here’s I believe in you by Celine Dion and Il Divo.
Here are a few of the many classic songs recorded by Whitney Houston to enjoy this weekend. She was such a beautiful angel and her voice inspired many people around the world. I know she’s finally free from the troubles that haunted her in this life and resting in the arms of Jesus.
Goodbye Whitney.
This is one of the funniest clips i came across during the run of the Shit People say meme.
“And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back. So shake him off.”
This song from Florence + The Machine connects on so many levels. I can’t think of something better to share going into a new week.
There’s been a lot said about the utility of Nigerians outside the country getting involved in Occupy Nigeria. Well, here’s a great post written by Kola (www.ktravula.com) that addresses this very topic. It presents practical means for those not physically present in the country to support the Occupy Nigeria movement. I think they are still very useful even though the protests have wound down.
How You Can Help the Occupy Nigeria Protests from Outside Nigeria
1. Give. Thousands of people who go out everyday to give their time, energy and put their lives on the line in demanding for justice and reform do so with their own money. Because of the standstill around the country, they are not able to go to work and make a living, so it might become a lose-lose situation where the powers just wear them out patiently. If you live in Europe or America and you have the means, please donate money. Give to people you trust. Give to organizations that you are sure will make sure that the funds are judiciously used to cater for the (mostly food and transport) needs of those young people out in the sun every day. (PS: I will be sending some money to the Occupy Ibadan coordinators, friends, during the coming week. If you’re interested in supporting the protests with your money and it is too small to send alone via Western Union, let me know. I can take it via paypal or bank transfer and send it together with mine.)
2. Learn about the situation. The #Occupy Movement in Nigeria today is not about income inequality as it is about a demand for accountability and reform. The status quo is corrupt. Millions of dollars are siphoned every month in Nigeria to the pockets of political elites and other business cabals who collect subsidy money from the government and then turn around to sell petrol at market price to neighbouring countries, thus creating scarcity and making a profit. If you are a writer/blogger/tweeter, be aware of all the facts in the situation. Do not be used.
3. Join an #Occupy protest around you. There have been #Occupy Nigeria protests in Belgium, Washington DC, London, New York etc. Start one near you, or join them wherever it exists. The soul and future of Nigeria is at stake, and every support counts. Spread the word. Spread the message. Tell everyone you know about this and put pressure on the Nigerian government to reform on the side of the people and not on the side of the selfish people who look out only for their pockets. Post pictures and videos from this protests.
4. Write to your representatives. A group of activists” called the Naija Cyber Hacktivists are using twitter to put out phone numbers of elected officials, and other relevant information.Follow them, and barrage representatives with messages, pressuring them to take sides with the suffering populace.
5. Follow Occupy Nigeria on twitter.
Visit Kola’s blog for the original post here: http://www.ktravula.com/2012/01/how-you-can-help-the-occupy-nigeria-protests-from-outside-nigeria/
I posted this last February in the aftermath of the protests in Egypt that pushed Mubarak out of power. I said then that one day the tides will turn….it looks like that one day has started in Nigeria.
People Power: Mubarak is Gone!
I haven’t got much analysis on the Egyptian situation (I’ll leave that to the experts) but I wanted to register my reaction to the news that Mubarak has been forced out of office. Unbelievable! After 30 years and an 18 day stand-off by protesters, he’s gone. No one knows what’s going to happen next since the situation is still developing. For now though, the army is stepping in to take the reins and coordinate a transition to democracy. The unity, determination and commitment of the protesters so far has been stunning and I hope it lasts to carry the country through the next phase of the revolution because the biggest challenge of implementing reforms is surely just beginning.
I was particularly moved to remark on this outstanding event after reading some snippets yesterday of an interview with Pastor Adeboye of RCCG, one of the biggest and most influential Nigerian churches. What really caught my eye was his view that protesting is useless as a way of provoking social change. I wonder if the events in Egypt would cause him and other Nigerians to reconsider this opinion. I’m not saying that people should not pray for change. After all, in Egypt we saw people use prayer as protest. But I think it’s very complacent to believe that prayer alone is enough. I think those comments betray an attitude that is too often used to excuse a lack of action where it is needed.
I’m not saying either that everybody must go out on the streets to protest but my point is that God will not come down from heaven to change our communities for us. People have to do what they can to make their discontent known even if it involves risk. As we have seen in Egypt, there is no such thing as risk-free or sacrifice-free commitment. Many were injured and killed over the last 18 days but the people persisted until their demand for Mubarak’s resignation was met.
Many of the elements that contributed to cause the protests in Egypt and Tunisia are present in other African countries: pervasive corruption, stagnating economies, massive levels of unemployment, a high population of dissatisfied youth and social media technology to facilitate organising. Perhaps the penetration of facebook and twitter is not as great in other African countries because of problems with internet access but the influence of social media is growing. We are slowly building up to change. Tunisia and Egypt have shown us what it could look like when citizens become fed up with corruption, incompetence and lack of opportunity. People in other nations around the world can draw inspiration from these examples. If I were a despotic African leader or member of a ruling cabal, I would take careful note of January and February 2011 because they have shown us that you cannot suppress people forever. One day, the tides will turn.
